When I was thirteen, they thought I'd lost my mind
I saw ghosts and monsters in every shadow,
I closed my eyes and I could feel them leering over me
their breath on my face
the feel of their hands on my shoulder
The lights would go out and I would cry
I'd cry and I'd scream until my dad came and got me
turned the lamp on
nursed me back to sleep
Eventually I stopped seeing the monsters but I don't think they ever went away
Now I'm twenty-two and I close my eyes,
I can feel them leering over me
Ghosts crawl over my bed and push me down
The lights are out but I can't cry
I can't scream
I turn the lamp on by myself and I wait
I wait for the monst
You should watch Love Me If You Dare
that was it, a single typed line appearing on my screen
I looked it up,
a French film
This was after the night you grabbed my wrist
after you whispered "I've wasted so much time"
after you moved away
two years later, I'm walking up and down the aisles in the video store
I watched a lot of movies then,
I was alone and I was sad,
I hadn't learnt to love my own company yet
"FOREIGN/SPECIAL INTEREST"
I pause,
on the bottom shelf, practically sitting on the floor
Love Me If You Dare
I took it home
I didn't watch it right away
It sits on my desk for two days, three days, four days, five
I have to take it back
sometimes I imagine you
are lying here next to me
"stop fussing"
you whisper
and I
settle myself along the curve of your spine
I count your breaths
in and out
and I
sigh, the heaviness leaves me
sleep
It's the verbal equivalent of tearing at each others clothing,
Of fumbling fingers on collars and buttons and hemlines,
And it's freezing outside, so cold my lips are blue,
But it's summer in my head,
My teeth chatter and my skin crawls
It's delightful
And delicious
And divine
I prop myself up on the words you give me,
And curl myself around them at night
Sometimes I keep them in my pocket,
But they're secrets, they belong to me,
It's delightful
And delicious
And divine
I think my heart is like confetti
In a thousand tiny, coloured pieces,
That can be tossed anywhere,
And catch on anyone,
Or land in vacant fields and empty lots
And lie there, forgotten, forever
So I draw a picture.
And wonder if you'd like it.
And wonder if you think I'm good or if you're a brilliant artist and I may as well be drawing stick figures.
In the dirt.
And if you think of me.
At all.
And if you still thought I was pretty when you saw me without makeup.
Or if you really thought I was pretty to begin with.
I wish I could say you have amazing eyes or something like that but I don't even remember your face.
I was always too scared to really look at you.
Basically, what I'm saying is, I wish I had listened when I had the chance.
Because now that you're gone I realise I barely know you at all.
And I know
I'm tired of hiding tears,
Hands balled into tight fists and fake smiles,
A thousand "I love you"s scribbled in a notebook I keep under my pillow
Handwritten letters stacked neatly on tables,
One for each day since I left
The things I want to tell you would kill you
The things I am able to kill me
It's so exhausting to fight, I wish I was weak
I play the part of the damsel in distress in my mind so well
I could sleep for days
Dreaming of tragedies, of accidents,
Tales so horrific they make my toes curl
And all because the idea of hollow eyes, torn flesh,
Of stiches in my wrists, and a delicate frame,
Seems so romantic.